Thursday, March 27, 2014

Mini Me

I'm in such a state of reflection about a recent truth I've admitted to myself.  I have a "Mini Me" and her name is Talley.  I'm conflicted about this.  On one hand, isn't it every parent's dream to have a child that takes more after them than the other parent?  Or is that just me?  (Cue the cat clock eyes desperately looking right and left.)  On the other hand, cucui. 

Talley turned three years old recently, so it is becoming more and more apparent every day that she is her mama.  To be fair, she spends the majority of her time with me so it was bound to happen.  She picks up my mannerisms, my style of speech, my favorite catch phrases, and all that other stuff that makes up a personality.   Like I mentioned, this is a funky cross between flattery and eeeeekkkkkkk!  I live with a little magic mirror that shows me just how annoying I am capable of being.  Not fun.

I am hopeful that this will play out to my advantage, though.  It is my goal in life to make Talley my best friend because she is funny and makes me giggle.  Also, I plan to room with her at college so it would be most beneficial if we liked each other.  Here's my thought process: If we are so much alike already, then scientifically speaking, won't it just naturally occur that we will be BFF?  It totally makes sense, right?!  Well, not according to Talley.  I asked her who her best friend is and she said Coco.  The dog.  The dog that jumps on her and scratches her and barks in her face.  Not cool, Talley.  Not cool at all. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Elf on the Shelf

Ugh.  Yeah, I bought one.  I even paid the extra dough for the skirt so that Talley's girl elf is extra dressy.  Let's all say it together now: SUCKER!!!

Anyway, I will not be working overtime this holiday season setting up elaborate scenes for my elf to participate in.  I have a few years left before that crap.  I really was just looking for a good, old fashioned bribing tool.  You know, something that I can really hold over her head while she's yelling at me and throwing breakables across the room.  We've had the elf for a few days and have not been able to threaten Talley with it yet because she won't name the thing.  According to the book, the elf only gets its magic when he or she is named by its new owner.  T wants nothing to do with giving this creepy thing a moniker.  We have pleaded with her.  We bring it up daily.  She will not comply.  It's like she knows it's 'game on' once this thing has a name.  She's so smart! To be fair, she has suggested a few names, but they haven't been up to snuff.  I mean, I appreciate her 2 second effort, but "Father" or "George" is not gonna cut it.  I have to write this name in the Elf on the Shelf book - it's gotta be a winner!  

So, for now, I'll continue to harass her about naming the elf and the poor, nameless elf will continue to sit on the shelf, immobile. 

Monday, July 29, 2013


Ok, here's my secret shame:  Up until a few days ago, my 27 month old child still used a binky to go to sleep.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!  Feels good to get it out.  Isn't that how it works, though?  The one thing you would silently judge "bad parents" for allowing their child to do is the one thing your child loves to do! Oh, childless, judgy Delaney of're a dummy know-it-all.  Ok, I know, way harsh.  But, seriously, it is like Murphy's Law.  The naive pregnant lady that vows to only feed her little one an all organic, vegan diet will inevitably have that picky toddler that demands McDonald's for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert.  The opinionated dad-to-be that gives you the side-eye for feeding your precious doodle formula WILL end up spending hundreds of dollars a month on the stuff because his precious doodle is lactose intolerant. 

So there I was: no children of my own, yet evaluating others on their ability to parent and just knowing they were royally screwing up by letting their one year old soothe herself with a paci.  The nerve!  Fast forward to present day and my toddler would wear her binky on a diamond studded chain around her neck if I would let her.  She loves it.  She is attached to it.  But it was time.  It was time to tell her about the storied and much beloved Binky Fairy.  Gather round friends as I tell you about the wondrous Binky Fairy and her penchant for taking a sharp pair of scissors to your baby's pacifier while he innocently slumbers.  Do not worry!  She leaves lovely little notes of encouragement alongside the paci remnants.  Your child then gets to participate in the time-honored act of throwing away the broken binky.  When the day comes that all the binkies are disabled, the Binky Fairy leaves a parting present...never to be heard from again.  Dun dun dun dun! Talley told me the Binky Fairy looks like Tinkerbell.  Adorbsies. 

Double chins are sexy.
Can you believe this bull works?!?  I seriously fretted for days, weeks, months over this and it took like no time at all.  I honestly feel a little gypped.  My baby didn't need me to console her through this traumatic transition. 

So cozy
What the crap?  She accepted it and moved on.  It was a much needed reminder that children are so adaptable, especially when they really feel loved and encouraged.  So that's heartwarming.  (Still doesn't make up for all the late night cuddles and snuggles I was duped out of, but whatever.) 

Lastly, this is my first post in almost a year.  Gulp.  Where's the Blog Fairy that gently nudges you to sit down and get to work?  Is she chilling with the Laundry Fairy?  Those lazy hags.  

Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Great Summer Debate

Talley & River playing on the beach
Guys, lets just get it out there and talk about it.  It's good to have a dialogue.  Where do you stand in the Rockport v. Port Aransas debate??  You know it's out there, right?  A heated, ongoing dispute amongst 3rd coast dwellers:  Do you go to Rockport or Port Aransas?  Both sides have valid points and steadfastly defend them. 

At the Texas State Aquarium - a great place to visit regardless of your coastal preference. 
I, personally, am a Port A goer.  Or, as my friend Katie coined it - PORT AWESOME!!!!  That's because it's awesome!  Not only are there miles of beach to play on, but there are some great restaurants, shops, and lest we forget, Bernie's (Unless you want to kick it old school at Sharky's, which btw, doesn't charge cover anymore - holler!).  Although this is my personal favorite beach spot, I know many a Rockport enthusiast.  They like the cool shops "downtown" and of course, the fishing.  I actually ferry jumped and went to the Rockport beach with my family a few weekends ago and it was really nice.  Perfect for T, who played in the lagoon-like bay for what seemed like hours.  Oh how great, you say, she was so happy and played in the water for hours while you and Ryan got to sit down on actual chairs with your toes in the sand and a cold Millie in your koozie??  Yeah, right.  Ryan and I had to take turns following her around like a lost puppy while she cruised up and down the coast line and tried to hang out with other families.  We are losers and not fun apparently. 

Ok, so while I'm thinking about Port Aransas, can I just ask when did Port A became the Hamptons??  Seriously.  I was actually shunned from two restaurants in one night for not having a reservation.  Say what???  At one of the snooty places we deigned to think we could dine, the bartender actually asked me if I was from Port Aransas.  Excuse me?   When will I learn that it is no longer acceptable or suitable for me to go around in public with no make-up on?  Anyway, I digress.  But seriously, between the price for a shrimp dinner and the exorbitant lodging expenses we may as well rent a summer share in Bridgehampton.  Ok, now I'm done.  I'm not over it, but I'll just stop talking about it.  From Port Aransas...grumble, grumble...I swear...he is lucky I wasn't that hungry. 

So, what say you?  RP or PA?

Loving every minute of the dolphin show.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Fowl Play

I'm kind of a child abuser, which is ironic because I worked for CPS. Here's my offense: I, cruelly, stage photo shoots for my child and do so far too often. These shoots involve multiple outfit changes, props, and locations. Most of the time it's just the two of us on a random Tuesday, but the latest one was at my friend Amanda's house and it involved live animals. What a great idea.

It was T's Spring Time/Easter photo extravaganza and Parker got to join in on the fun, too! We stuffed those two girls into ridiculous outfits and staged them in a patch of bluebonnets, atop a wheel barrel full of dirt (true story), and, lastly, on a garden swing full of Easter props. This is what sparked the idea to grab one of Amanda's chickens and stick it in an Easter basket next to my sweet angel baby. Yes, Amanda has a freaking chicken coop and gets fresh, organic eggs from her flock. I buy the cheap eggs from HEB that are full of antibiotics and space germs. Score another notch on the child abuse scale. Anyway, it took Talley a moment to notice her fuzzy, new friend but when she did it was so cute! She smile really big and reached out to the little guy to lovingly pat it, obviously. We taught her to be gentle and pat her kitties at home and she is so good with them. She pats them like her "Pat the Bunny" book told her to and kisses them on their backs. Precious! Oh, this poor, poor chicken. It got it and it got it good. Talley wrapped her fat fingers around it's neck and yanked it so hard toward her. The chicken let out a horrible sounding squawk and Amanda and I screamed. We wrestled it from her murderous grasp and put it back in the coop where it was safe and sound from coyotes, raccoons, and my child.

I actually caught this exchange on my camera. I got almost the entire episode but I dropped my camera in an attempt to rescue the chicken when it became clear that this could end very, very badly. In the future, I will definitely keep shooting - screw the chicken, I need this shot for posterity's sake! Just Kidding! In the future, I will not be so dense as to think that my one year old will play nice with an irresistibly fuzzy, cuddly chicken.

Friday, October 14, 2011

T's 6 month Check In

This is what my Precious Angel from Heaven Above is up to these days. She is the funniest, cutest, happiest baby in the world! The world.

Weight - 15 1/2 lbs
Height - 26 in
She's around the 50th percentile for both.

Food - She drinks around 28 oz a day and has solids twice a day. She LOVES carrots and peas. I cannot get this child to eat any meats. She gags and throws up despite my many efforts to sneak it in or disguise it. She also hates fruit. Which is crazytown because I craved fruit throughout my entire pregnancy. The other day I did get her to eat Apple Blueberry mix, so maybe the tides are turning??

Other developments -
  • Her two bottom teeth broke through at 4.5 months. She might be getting her upper teeth now because she is drooling like crazy again and gnawing on everything in sight.
  • She is also rolling around all over the place. She rolls over to her tummy and then scoots around in circles. She is desperately trying to get up on her hands and knees and get mobile. She even starts to get frustrated and yells at us, which, of course, makes us giggle.
  • She also loves clapping her hands together. She just lays there on her back and claps - pure entertainment.
  • Watch out! She is Grabby McGrabberton these days. If you are wearing glasses, earrings, a will be hers, oh yes, it will be hers.
  • The phrase "Stranger Danger" means nothing to her. This child is everyone's best friend and loves to smile and ham it up to anyone giving her attention. Great...someone takes after her mother in more ways than one...
T's favorite things -
  • Baby Einstein Mozart & Beethoven videos
  • Screeching at the top of her lungs like an owl
  • Textures
  • Slapping her dad in the face
  • Grabbing noses
  • Grabbing my hair & not letting go
  • Singing songs with me
  • Taking naps in her swing - what am I going to do when she grows out of this thing?!?!?!?!
  • Moaning before she falls asleep
Nicknames - T (obvi), Teetee, Talley T, baby bird, turkey, turkey butt, booger baby

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

You know you have a baby...

I have noticed some differences in my day-to-day goings on. It's actually pretty funny to think of the changes my life has undergone since having a baby. It really is true that once you have a child, your whole life turns upside down. But, don't get me wrong, it is crazytown awesome! Anyway, this blog is along the lines of "You might be a Redneck..."

You know you have a baby when...
  • You have 45 pacifiers spread around your house. Currently, there is one in her crib; one in my car; one in her swing; one on my vanity table; two in her diaper bag; one somewhere lost in my in-law's backyard; one on the drying rack next to the kitchen sink; one under her dresser that I am too lazy to pick up; and, I'm sure, a few other places I can't remember. Word to the wise: never be without knowledge of where a binky will suffer dearly.
  • Pooping is a family event. It's so gross, but poopy diapers are funny. You never know what color you're gonna get or what consistency it may be. Lord, they stink to high Heaven and you just have to share this smell with everyone around. I have actually texted pictures of my nugget's poopies to my husband. It makes us giggle. We are parents.
  • There is not a time of day when the washing machine and/or dishwasher is not running. I'm on my second load of laundry right now. This child pees and poops through everything.
  • Everything in your life is scheduled around her schedule and if said schedule is tampered with, well, if you have a baby, you know the end of that story.
  • "THE BABY" is all you talk about!!!! Hence, this blog.
  • You are slightly dumber than you used to be. In my case, it may be more than slightly. I am borderline special needs at this point. Just the other night, I reamed Ryan because I thought he won a card hand with the wrong suit. I just knew he won with a spade when CLEARLY the trump suit was diamonds!!! Several explanations later, I stood corrected. The trump suit was spades...I had called them...I am a lunatic. And before you snicker, yes, we play a lot of cards around these parts. We can't do anything. We have a schedule to keep, people!
  • You only eat a restaurants that are louder than your crying child. The few times we actually leave our home and go to dinner have been pins and needles. Ryan practically bolts for the door if T even looks like she might utter a noise. He can't handle it. I, on the other hand, have become that parent that wants someone to say something to her about her hysterically crying child. My annoying child and I have rights, too, dammit!
  • Going to the grocery store by yourself has become a luxurious getaway. Who needs a massage (I do.), when you can escape to HEB! I used to hate grocery shopping. HEB has now become an oasis where I can be alone and quietly shop with nothing but my inner dialogue. Heaven!
  • You develop the hearing skills of a chihuahua. No joke. Lifelong ear problems have left me practically deaf, but I can hear that baby crying from three rooms away. I freeze, do the pose, and cock my head to listen more carefully, like a dog. I have become a dog.
The end.